A bouquet of flowers picked along the way ….

thumbs-up to pat-down January 13, 2010

Filed under: ego,humour — gurdas @ :
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This post got prompted by my facebook status message where I said:

 “Gurdas does not understand people having an issue with full-body scans or pat downs at the airport. He’d rather have his willy outlined on a scan monitor than have it blown mid-air by a terrorist. Gurdas also proposes the government collect all kinds of data about private body parts and publish impersonal statistics. Like average willy length or cup size of flights to Honolulu broken down by day, week, month, and year.”

I just do not get it why some people will object to a procedure which is ultimately meant to save their lives. But oh well, it takes government regulation to make people wear their seat belt and not talk on their phones while driving. Maybe some people just do not like being touched. But I doubt that is the case with most of the people who are going hoarse about their privacy being invaded. Really, I ask, what privacy? If your full body scan shows you are wearing frilly lace panties and garter belts and what not, and this fuels your invasion of privacy agenda, my advice – don’t wear all that gear while flying. It is not one of your fundamental freedoms, and so I just don’t care. Or if you are a man who is very insecure about his willy length and thinks the woman officer will laugh for years to come when she talks about it with her friends, all I can say is – sorry, you are all hung up about the myth of length. Get a life and let it hang.

Really, I ask again, what privacy is lost during a full-body scan or pat-down? It is just your body, folks. Nobody is peeking into your mind to find out all those dark secret desires, naughty thoughts, and misdeeds of the past. You have them secure, so stop shouting foul.

But wait, I think we can improve the situation. We can actually derive genuine entertainment out of this process. If you would allow us to, that is. Think of all that statistics that can be generated from data about private body parts. Imagine walking into an airport and having a big screen display:

– Luxembourg leads the world in percentage of women with cup size D as incoming travellers. (Wouldn’t you like to go to Buxombourg next time? And if you are women with a size equal or larger than the average, Luxembourg might even discount your air ticket.)

– Afghanistan has the highest percentage of men with willy length less than 5″ leaving the country. (Makes sense, with all that bombing going on, they better retain men with good fire power.)

There is a downside though. People might cancel flights out of disappointment and/or get an impromptu urge to visit another country. Mayhem might prevail at the airport. But yes, the possibilities are limitless. Your imagination is the limit, really!

But wait, there is more. We can have the actual screening process made pleasurable, too. With the full body scan, you will have a choice to see the full body scan of another person, provided you allow your scan to be available for another traveller to view. You can choose from tens of kinds of scans to view – “size zero model” to “blocks your vision fat” to “lean and muscular” to “cuddly love handles”. All information that can identify an individual will be removed, so you are safe. Do not worry.

Or if it is a pat-down, you can choose the free option or the paid option (nominal fee, very affordable). In the free option, you will get the pat-down from the regular security officers (same gender as you) whose touch is only as intimate as brushing your ass cheeks against a cardboard. You get the idea. In the nominal fee option you can choose the gender, and the person will be trained in not only security related efficiency and accuracy, but also pleasure. This person will ensure you are all sweety-tweety and smiling by the time the pat-down is over. And no, you cannot get a repeat pat-down. There are other ‘normal’ people waiting behind you.

All you ‘hung up about privacy’ people, stop giving yourself airs. This is 21st century air travel and you are better off nude, laid back, and more social.


2 Responses to “thumbs-up to pat-down”

  1. Nandini Rao Says:

    You definitely have a sense of humor and I agree with you life is more than privacy and who cares what the security personal sees, She/he is a stranger .

    Loved it!!

  2. gurdas Says:

    Ha, Nandini, you were fast in commenting! And thanks for the kind words.

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